The Angel Box
by Ellie Lildat
Summary: After some not-so-subtle hinting from Dawn, Buffy begins a journey to find herself and live again. Chapter 5 added 11/14/01!!!!
1. The Angel Box

Angel Box

Title: as the moment, this fic is called The Angel Box. Though since I do plan to continue with this, it's subject to change.  
  
Author: The Lildat a.k.a. Ellie Lildat. what's a lildat? Not gonna tell you. email me at lildat08@excite.com  
  
Disclaimer: I am a victim of multiple personality disorder, one of the personalities is a crazy man named Joss Whedon that I, along with anyone that can think, worship as a God. So technically, I do own the characters in this fic and just felt like doing something crazy like this instead of bring Buffy and Angel back together (or at least to the same network) like any one else would. It's better to keep the audience on their toes... YEAH, RIGHT! Joss owns them along with UPN, the WB, and second most importantly next to Joss: FOX.  
  
Rating: PG-13 to R  
  
Summery: A (yes I know, it's so over-done) post The Gift break-off. Buffy's been back for about a month and is trying to figure out how to live again. Definately B/A (did you expect differently???)  
  
Author's Note: My favoite part of writing fic... the author's note. Can you tell that I write editorial and opinionated articles for a living? My last fic was completely ignored in the R&R catagory... Thank YOU! I feel special. Though I would prefer to be flamed than ignored completely... hell, I would prefer to be flamed rather than praised! I'm unbetaed, don't hate me! Also, anyone willing to write an NC-17 chapter to this story is welcome to e-mail me offering.  
  
Chapter One: The Angel Box  
  
As I slowly walk out the front door, I can feel her eyes boring into my back- though if it's with regret, pity, or hope; I'll never know. But what I do know is that I have to leave, I can't stay here any longer today and not fall apart in front of Dawn. That's why I'm leaving for a couple days, to straighten out the thoughts that are filling my mind; that's why Willow is watching me so carefully as I leaver her and Tara to take care of Dawn while I'm gone. She's afraid that if I leave, I'll never come back...but it's too late for Willow to worry, I left a long time ago.   
  
Ever since I came back, I've missed not being here so much more than I ever thought. It feels perverse, but it's true. When I was... where I was, I didn't have to deal with all these thoughts and problems and what I miss best of all... I didn't have to live. For months, I ceased to exist and it was wonderful. I didn't know that I had a little sister that was now an orphan, I didn't remember the mother that just wanted me to have a good life, there was no reason to wonder if I was cable of loving another, and I didn't have to think about how I let the love of my life leave and how I should had stopped him. But now everything is back with avengence.   
  
In these past few months, Dawn has grown up so much more than I ever wish she would. My little sister has been robbed of her childhood, even worse than I ever was. My friends are still uncomfortable with the whole situation, my surrogate father can't go a sentence without getting weepy over me, while my real father has no clue what happened to me at all, but only two thoughts plague my mind to a over-flowing state. One: Will Dawn ever be safe and care-free again? And the second: Was I even living before I died?  
  
Looking back on my life (with the help of Mom and Dawnie's over-grown collection of home-videos and my old diaries), I started to notice how much I've changed since I was called over six years ago.I went from being care-free and self-centered and slowly progressed into a more generous, demon-butt-kicking, and observant friend before becoming slightly more secluded and mature only to be broken and become what I thought was the kind of girl for the world- scratch that, I became what I thought was the kind of girlfriend for the and boyfriend that I just had to hold onto no matter who got hurt in the process. I don't blame Riley, it wasn't his fault that I just became lost that fall. I made so many mistakes that were so much more painful to others than to me... if only I could use the excuse of being possessed or something. I don't blame Angel either, I definitely don't blame my sweet Angel. It was me, and now that I've gotten this new chance to fix my life and make the best of it for me and Dawn before the next Big Bad comes to town and ruins everything.   
  
I sound so sure of myself, don't I? But I'm not. In my heart, that tender muscle that I had thought was long dead and broken, there is one thing I'm sure I need to do. Only problem is that I can't... I'd be responsible for some many deaths again, putting the world in jeopardy.   
  
I've had several sister/sister conversations with Dawn since I came back. It was her choice to tackle this subject, not mine... I've run it back and forth in my mind so much over the past four years... it's too painful to purposefully bring up vocally.  
  
Next time your faced with a decision between duty and love, don't sacrifice yourself again. You've done so much for the world Buffy, next time just let the world end. Her tone fell between a beg and advising, my little Dawnie had grown up so much... and I so badly wanted to believe her. But I just hugged her tightly and kissed her hair as I fought the tears in my eyes.   
  
Though if there's one thing that I know about my baby sister is that she's smart. Nobody could ever be as cunning as my Dawnie, and she knew just what was wrong with me since my return and she knew just what I needed. And only my sister would know just how to push me to make up my mind and be so brave and incredibly stupid at the same time.  
  
That same day that she advised me, we both fell asleep together on Mom's bed. Neither of us would sleep on it without the other, it was the best way to feel that Mommy was truly still here. But when I woke up at three the next morning, Dawn was gone from the room... and in her place was a familiar looking shoe box.  
  
When I died, everyone had agreed to split my stuff up for grabs- though not much was taken. By the time that I was back, it took me weeks to figure out that one of the butterflies off my wall was missing, along that sparkle-y hair clip I bought at the store with Willow, even the perfume that Faith had stolen from the mall and slipped into my pocket was taken for memories- but nothing major. I had noticed though, that this shoe box had been taken from my trunk, the trunk that I had locked and hid the key to make sure that certain little sisters wouldn't go into it- oh,well.  
  
I timidly removed the lid that morning, not minding that it was still dark outside and that I couldn't see much. Every item in that box was tattooed on my memory in eccentric detail. A movie stub, a pair of cotton panties, a cross, a ring, a worn white t-shirt, an almost empty bottle of cologne, a book of sonnets, about twenty pebbles, and many other odd little tokens. I affectionately call this my though when he and I were still together, it was simply The Angel Box. It had first been filled right after he had changed, initially a way to hid the memory of what I had done and how much I missed him.   
  
First came the pair of panties... from a time that doesn't need much explaining. Next, came the cross and about ten of the pebbles that had collected in my shoes every time we together before my seventeenth birthday. About only four other items were placed in the box in the few months after that, the easiest to remember was the chunk of charcoal that he had once used to draw with... I could still tell where his fingers had gripped the rock. It wasn't until he had returned from Hell that I started placing more things in the box and changed it's purpose. But by June of 1999, I had placed most of the items in the box for good. There had been few things added to the box after he went to L.A., the t-shirt from the mansion was the only thing added that entire summer.  
  
It wasn't until I went to tell him off at Thanksgiving that I added what I thought was the last thing to the box. I was beyond heart-broken when he spoke of , it was only seconds after I left his office that I had broken down into tears and was more than an emotional reck. On my way out of his building, I accidentally ripped off a doorknob from a door at AI. That doorknob was added to the box as soon as I returned to Sunnydale. Can you tell what a disaster I was? Not that my emotional state can ever begin to excuse my behavior in the months afterwards.   
  
It's ironic that I didn't start leaving my shaded and jaded state until just days before my mother died. It had been months since I had ever even held an object from the box in my hand that day that I opened it up to relive the past and didn't even care that Dawn was watching from the doorway of my bedroom with sympathy in her eyes towards the tears in my own. It almost seems like I've been about four or five separate people in my life, all living different parts of the story and all handling things differently. But once again, shadows of the girl that had been Angel's love were showing as I rebuilt myself... only to come home to find my mother laying limply and cold on the couch.   
  
The last object I added to the box... it was relatively new. A piece of bark from the tree we had leaned and kissed against was added to the box the day after my mother's funeral. The good always gets mixed in with the bad; another perverse part of my life. My mother was dead and buried six feet under, and I was kissing the long lost love of my life for the first time in two years and having my love rekindled.  
  
And now, thanks to the pushing from my little sister, I was on the road to L.A. for a reason that was beyond me. The Angel Box was securing buckled into the passenger seat and I was driving in silence and darkness towards the city Angel called home. If someone could just tell my what I'm planning to do once I get there, it would be great.  
  
  
TBC...


	2. Gifts And Tears

Gifts and Tears

Chapter Title: Gifts and Tears  
  
Disclaimer: I just like writing these SO much. (note the sarcasm, I'm a junky on the stuff in real life) Hmm, if I owned them, the first day after the whole Buffy moves to UPN (I almost typed PMS, don't ask why) I would had been talking of ensuring everyone that the crossovers would still exist several times this season; not just leave the idea alone for at least a year. But since that is the deal going around and Joss even admitted to not even bring up the idea of cross-network cross-overs for S6/S3, it's obvious that I don't own any of the characters. Joss and Fox are the bosses.  
  
Author: The marvelous Ellie Lildat that gets her ego inflated with so many wonderful reviews after just having the story posted to two days. A big THANK YOU! to all you magnificent peeps, but don't be afraid to be cruel. And I still haven't come up with a better name for the story, I'm sorry.  
  
Summery: Buffy hesitates before actually talking to Angel. I don't know where this is going. Bare with me. Its angsty and I preferred the first chapter to this since my own personality snuck into Buffy, I'm sorry.  
  
Author's Note: AHH! In the middle of getting ready to send this out, fanfiction.net quits on me; what's that about? Sorry for the wait. So you liked the first chapter, eh? I'm new to the whole writing in the first person when it's not myself thing, but I'll continue with it for now. Just so you know, this is all being off the top of my head. The other stories I've written have always had some sort of to start off with, this was just because I felt like writing and was being depressed and motivated by my renewed love of Third Eye Blind and remembered how in Buffy & Angel danced to The Background so I've been playing the song over and over again to get in the romantic depressed mode. Also, I'm taking liberty with Dawn having a summer birthday because she was fourteen all season long, I know I'll be proved wrong sometime soon, but bare with me. Have Fun!  
  
Chapter 2: Gifts and Tears  
  
  
That is a really big hotel. But it seems lonely how, even though the business is based out of the hotel, Angel lives there all alone. But Angel was always a lonely person, plus I guess that it's nice to have so much room when you can't leave home until sunset; but still... it's got a lonely vibe.   
  
But at this moment, who's more lonely: the vampire with a soul that's sitting amongst his friends in the lobby of his hotel or the recently resurrected slayer that sitting in her mother's old car staring longingly at the hotel across the street while a shoe box is buckled in the passenger seat. The Visual answer and the True answer are very different, and I'm sure that only I know that.  
  
Sure, I'm about as hollow as someone can get without disappearing completely, but there is one thing that still exists in me... the connection to him. Just by watching him from a distance that makes the ant on my dashboard seem like a giant, I can almost feel his own pain and emptiness.  
  
But he's smiling, a smile that seems all too familiar from a lot of pictures I've taken in the past few years, I'm amazed that no one notices the invisible tears he's crying. And yeah, Angel = brooding and sadness; but this is just wrong. What happened to him?Did...did I do this? Or was it something even before my death, something that's been festering over a clean looking bandage.  
  
All of a sudden, I realize that this wasn't just a trip for my sake. Angel needs me, he has needed me for a while and I just ignored the feeling inside. Another regret to my list and a new focus for my trip to L.A. Why didn't I talk to him more when I returned at first?  
  
It was hard, getting back to... well, life. I haven't been back long, but I've been majorly adjusting ever since, but when I fist came back I was kinda suicidal... actually completely suicidal. Let's just say that I really liked my gift, it was a reward that I felt I truly deserved. If it hadn't had been for Dawn, I wouldn't had stayed alive a day.   
  
But as soon as I saw my little sister, the person that I still remember as the pinkish blob I held in my arms for the first time when I was six, I saw the maturity in her whole... the tenderness that had been too fragile to begin with. As soon as I saw Dawnie, I remembered that I needed her more than I needed death. When I was gone, I didn't see my mother like I wished I would. I remembered that it had been a year since I was given an even better gift than death could ever be, my baby sister.  
  
Death is nothingness... or at least what I remember of it. Dawnie...she was her namesake, the Dawn that freed me from the darkness and made me want to live. And at that moment, it was enough.  
  
But as the days progressed, as I began to notice things like: how Xander and Anya were planning a wedding, Spike and my sister being closer than ever, the fact that I didn't see Giles until two days after I came back and that he now lived in England, and how not only had my sister become a fifteen year old in my time gone but her soul seemed so old.  
  
The day after Giles arrived, Angel came to visit. And as I'm sitting here and watching him like a psycho, I can still feel how soothing his hug was. Only Angel can be so cold temperature wise and have such a warming touch, only my Angel. We didn't even say anything to each other when I opened the door that night; I had only enough time to register that it was him on the other side of the door before we both had melted into a firm embrace. He cried, my Angel, he cried and smiled his REAL smile, not the smile that he's flashed three times tonight. Everything got better once he was there, and I don't even know how he knew that I was back, he just showed up- like always.   
  
My left shoulder still remembers the way he kissed it while we hugged, not caring that anyone saw him do so or that we were getting too intimate for our own good. Thinking back on it, I'm surprised that nobody question him getting to happy at my return... I wonder how happy he was that night. But, then again, I don't think that it was a moment of perfect happiness kind of happiness. Everyone, mostly Angel, Dawn, and I was a little melancholy about the whole deal. Death is supposed to be final... but we broke that rule.  
  
Since practically the enter Scooby-Gang was over that night that Angel visited, we didn't get much private talking time. Everyone seemed to be busy or making somebody else busy around the house for hours at a time, making sure that I was okay, that Dawn was okay, and then checking once more if I was okay. It was about two o'clock in the morning when everyone left or went to sleep, letting Angel get some time to be the person that knew me too well to believe the assuredness I had been feigning all night.   
  
We laid on my bed, just like in the old days, while he wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his still chest. I swear we were made to fit together. Both of us talked of idle details in sotto voices for a while, just being assured by each other's voices and closeness for the time being. When I looked up at Angel and noticed the tears streaming down his face, I can't even express how much my heart broke at the sight. It was only seconds before I soothingly wrapped my arms around his neck and let him cry into my shoulder, both of us realizing how much the roles has changed in our relationship. Hmm, it's strange that I feel so comfortable saying that we still have a .  
  
It's okay, Angel. I whispered into his ear, even though I wasn't quiet sure what exactly was . Everything will be okay, from now on. Just as I spoke the words, my own tears began to coarse down my cheeks. But the tears didn't surprise me, nothing much was surprising me anymore.   
  
But when my soul-mate murmurs,I just love you too much to see you hurt like this.   
  
I realize that I forgot just how well he truly knows me. In all honesty, Angel and I aren't ever of different worlds.  
  
Once he told me that, we had one of our moments. I loosened my embrace around his neck and unconsciously looked directly into his chocolate pools of eyes.  
  
I know, I love you too.   
  
It just takes one look into those eyes to be lost forever in them, to forget the invisible barriers that are supposed to exist and just take a few minutes to experience a kiss that would make ambrosia taste like dirt. A kiss that makes the worse of students into a poet. A kiss that never gets finished, always interrupted by the return to reality. And reality that dark morning was that Angel had an hour before he had to be back in L.A. and that I was laying on top of him. It's not hard to figure out I'm not the only one effected by our kisses.  
  
What exactly am I going to accomplish by being here? I know that I'm terrified to hurt him, to disrupt his self-claimed family and his focus on his work. If I go in, he'll say that it's okay for me to be here, and knowing Angel- it'll be true for his part. But his family, his co-workers, his friends, they'll mind that I'm getting in the way for a few hours. And then there will be tension in their little group, which I know won't necessarily be new but it won't help. Then Angel will be distanced from everyone he's closed to... and, boy, am I jumping ahead of myself. I guess I just don't want things to get awkward once I'm in there, even though things always get awkward when I'm near Angel.  
  
After another stolen kiss, I silently walked Angel down to our front door, once again hoping that he would choose to stay even though we both knew he couldn't. For a moment, we just stood in front of the door, neither one of us wanted to be the one to use a synonym for the word and initiate the parting until the next disaster struck. But once that moment was over, Angel spoke in that voice that can make the lamest of words seem loving (that is if Angel ever had spoke anything lame to me), he told me my excuse for coming here.   
  
We're never over, Buffy. I've realized that now. So please, remember I'm only a short ride away. I know that he was hinting at the fact that the next time I'm in major trouble, I should ask him for help or come to him; and he knew that if it had been just a few months earlier when he told me something similar to this, that I would had just told him that I'd keep it in mind but could do it myself. But that was a few months ago, and I'm not that way anymore. What way am I? I haven't figured that out yet.  
  
But as I steal one more glance through the glass doors of the Hyperion Hotel, I once again notice that I'm not just here for myself. He needs me and I need him. Now if we could only help each other without doing something stupid, there's the challenge.  
  
TBC...


	3. Behind Glass Lays Mystery

BGLM

Chapter Title: Behind Glass Lays Mystery  
  
Author: Ellie Lildat, personality extrodinaire with horrid spelling abilities.  
  
Disclaimer: As you can tell, I'm openly a B/A shipper... If Joss still is one, he hides it well these days. I'm trying to set the world right once again, not send it spiraling into a pit of relationship despair for all lead characters.  
  
Summery: Buffy steps out of her car  
  
Rating: PG-13 to R  
  
AN: I'm so sorry it took so long to get this out! I've been having scheduling problems along with becoming suddenly very ill lately. I'm writing this late at night with only hours before a doctor's appointment in the morning that I actually have to take a cab (I have judgmental issues from past experience) to get home from.  
  
Dedication: First- to Tabby, who will never read a Buffy fic and never will see my little hidden message to her, pity. SECONDLY- To all B/A shippers that are voicing their disgust with the rumors of 6/3 season relationships to come. I'm sure that you're all asking why the head dudes are planning to ruin BOTH vampires that are on the good side... Angel/Cordy??? WHAT HAPPENED TO GROO?? Buffy/Spike??? Why CAN'T HE LOVE DRU? Are these rumors true? CAN WE SAY EWW??? Hey, rhyming here!   
  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: Behind Glass Lays Mystery  
  
  
Okay, Buffy. We can do this, as long as we realize were speaking to ourselves inside our head and speaking in the third person. I know I'm going crazy right now, it's kinda a common trait whenever I'm within a hundred feet of Angel. Temporary insanity, if you will. Just one foot into that proximity and my mental stability has left the building... but I have other things to focus on at this moment besides the residual effects of my love for my vampire ex-boyfriend and forever soul-mate.   
  
Right now I have to focus on the most important thing at this moment: one foot in front of the other. One step right, good, now one step left, all right, now repeat. I might actually make it to the front door of the hotel by the time I turn thirty. So let's go a bit faster... not to cocky! AHH! Come on, Buffy! Your the Just casually walk up to the door and talk to the guy, why is that so hard?... Oh, right. Forgot about the reason there, sorry. I think you're- I mean, I'm better off with the inner monologue than the third person speak, I'm going crazier than Drusilla, talking to myself.  
  
I can see him still, actually I can see him even better from than from the car. He still has that great spiky hair that I love, same dark but great clothes, same guilty soul, and the same wonderful lips from before... but he's changed. He's talking to Cordelia, who has thankfully gotten rid of those horrible blonde streaks that she had before and is now back to completely brunette. She's actually listening to what he has to say, instead of the other way around... they're really deep in conversation though, I wonder what about. I can see Wesley's walking around in the lobby, characteristically holding an old opened tome in his arms and reading silently from it. I bet their handling a case, maybe I should come back in a couple hours... though that would defeat my entire purpose for coming here tonight, so I'll gather my courage and continue towards the glass doors in front of me... Hard to believe I'm a slayer, isn't it?  
  
This is why I need him, I'm so lost and he always manages to find me... something that only he can ever do. I'm pretty sure it's the same way for him, like how it was when he came back to me during my senior year... it'll be like returning the favor, right? But then again, he's already done that... several times.   
  
Every time I see him, I get reminded of what used to exist in my world and how things used to be... and get reminded of old Third Eye Blind songs. I never even listened to the band until I ran away, their songs were always blaring in that damn old diner... and then there was that one in my dream when I came home... I danced with him to those familiar lyrics, in the dream... But that's so off topic at the moment, I'm just trying not to focus too much on how much I need Angel at the moment.  
  
Oh, god. I'm at the door and he still hasn't noticed that I'm here yet, has he forgotten the feeling? But then again, his eyes do have that faraway look in their chocolate-ly depths, maybe he's just hiding it like he hides all his feelings. Wouldn't surprise me, but there is always the chance that it's been so long since we were together that he just simply doesn't feel our connection anymore, maybe those kisses were just for my comfort... I hope not.  
  
Okay, let's open the door and step into the lobby... and what a lobby it is! God, for being a eighteenth-century man that always seemed to be a little on the cheap side (I loved him for it, still do), Angel really out did himself with this homy-but-kinda-creepy hotel. It's seems to even be in good condition, really good condition considering that it has to be at least sixty years old. The business must be doing well if they're paying for this with just the income from the business... but there I go again, trying to forget my mission as I stop before the small set off stairs and just silently wait for my presence to be acknowledged.  
  
My heart must have skipped about four beats just now, as I watched him quickly turn his head in my direction just seconds after I stopped in front of the steps... the lovable jerk was just waiting for my to come in! He stopped right in mid-sentence and flashed me one of his truly loving and sexy looks of concern that happened to have a hint of gladness in it as he stood up from his chair and walked towards me. Only seconds past before I'm once again crushed into a hug with him and a sense of relief sweeps over my body like an icy tidal wave, as I embrace him even tighter... practically having him lift me as I tighten my arms around his thick neck.   
  
The hug is long, and though I'm more that ecstatic that I'm still in his arms as the time passes into minutes, there's something else here. He's TOO relieved to see me, it seems. Almost as if he wasn't sure that he'd ever see me again, which is completely ins- well actually it IS understandable considering how many times we've seen each other in the past few years, completely understandable.  
  
Standing on my tip-toes so I can see over his shoulder, I glance at an on-looking Cordy with a concerned look on my own face, but she doesn't help at all. Leave it to me to turn the best place in the world into a problematic embrace.  
  
Placing a delicate kiss on his wonderfully cool skin at the collar of his blue silk shirt, I manage to draw Angel back to the present as we loosen our holds on each other. He etches a path with his index finger along the line of my jaw with a too-familar lusty and loving look in his eyes, even though I'm positive that he sees and recognizes the sincerity and concern in my own.   
  
Something's off here, more than I thought when I was looking in from the car. I know that he sees the frown in my brow and lips as he kisses me sweetly on the forehead... again he's the lovable jerk, but a lovable jerk that's seriously up to no good.   
  
He completely loosens his arms from around me and take me by the hand, and smiles as we head towards the stairs of the hotel. That it, My Angel is insane and out of his fricken' mind, I just know it... But then he speaks.   
  
Come on, we really need to talk. He tells me in a murmur that only I could hear, and that was only thanks to my slayer powers.   
  
And with that Angel's old seriousness is back in full bloom and scowl. So I just give him a shadow of a nod before stealing one last glance at Cordelia, who just continues to watch with a tiny smile of mischief on her glossed lips.   
  
So I continue up the grand flight of stairs just steps behind my beloved vampire with a soul, praying desperately to any deity that will here me that something good will come out of this visit. It could happen, right? Okay, everybody look at me like I've grown a tail... I know I'm definitely insane now.  
  
TBC...


	4. Clichéd, But with Irony

CbwI

Chapter 4: Chichéd, But with Irony  
  
Author: The Marvelous yet atrocious speller that is **Ellie Lildat**. Her ego is large, yet she is not. E-mail her about this or anything else at **lildat08@excite.com**  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and due to resent rumors about the up coming seasons, I'd rather not own them. May you burn in Tarkna, Joss!(gets all teary) I need a new and real B/A fix...  
  
AN: I need feedback on how to go on with this story. I also need for people to look at my neglected fic Confessions of the Unknowning because unless someone's reading it, I'm not going to actually write beyond the prelude... and that makes me feel all slacker-like.  
  
AN2: I wrote this the night after I wrote the last chapter, but I'm not happy with it and decided to post it anyway...I have no clue where I'm going with this. It may get dark or it may get fluffy, actually it might do both... I need the reader's help!  
  
Summery: And up the stairs and into the room they go...  
  
Rating: PG-13 to R  
  
Chapter 4: Clichéd, But with Irony  
  
The room definitely has that Angel-ish feel to it: mysterious, dark, beautiful, intelligent... its amazing how much personality a room can have.  
  
I wonder if he would mind me dating his apartment? But there goes the insanity again, and I'm positive that it's spread to Angel too.  
  
He hasn't uttered a word since we left Cordelia in the lobby, just smiled his crooked and unsure half smile and led me up to his hotel room. We held hands the entire time... its amazing how I can just feel the electrical hum in my fingers as his larger hand encases mine delicately. He must feel it too, it's what's so right about us being together, being able to just bask in the wonderful feeling of being close. We really worked on that in our last year together, I guess the feeling just stuck in the back of our memories because I don't have a problem with the silence... not at all.  
  
Once we entered his room, Angel broke the connection between our fingers so that he could shut the door behind us. I think that Cordelia might had been following us with Wesley on her tail... It makes me wonder what exactly I'm missing here information wise.   
  
I turn to watch him close the door, just taking in the structure of his body. The way his arms flex slightly, the way that his jeans fit just so... I know these are bad thoughts to be having, but I've only been around him for a few minutes and I'm already becoming some-what human again.   
  
Though I know that as soon as I leave that safe and wonderful feeling will dissolve along with all that confidence that I only have around him. The confidence that lets ME be the one to break down and cry instead of one of my friends, the confidence that lets me show what's inside my heart, my head, my soul... I now know that it's been awhile since I even felt something from one of those places that was just a mechanical impulse.   
  
Without Angel, the real me- the one that befriend Xander and Willow, the slayer that Rupert Giles is the watcher to, the big sister and acting-mother of Dawn Summers, the girl who saved the world countless times,... the girl that gets hurt but keeps coming because she knows that... if you stand strong, it is always darkest before the dawn.   
  
Again, I understand another part of why Dawn was sent to me, I needed someone to love truly and undeniably after Angel left. She is the dawn that came and helped me through the darkness, she helped me love when the one other person I love in the world was gone. I remember if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't had even realized how much I needed him... because I can't be her sister and mother until I can find myself.   
  
If only I could be with him forever, to be in love and loved everyday of life and have proof... to have people to live for and die for who feel the same way... to be completed at all times... Now, there's a dream that's just about a mile past impossible.  
  
After locking the door, Angel walks back over to me and cups my face, letting me nuzzle into the loving touch of his cool hands. I close my eyes, just wanting for time to stop and to keep this wonderful feeling forever... that is until he moves his hand to comb through my hair while slowly moving my head forward; now I just want him to continue.  
  
Without opening my eyes, I instinctively and slowly let my arms wrap around his neck again, remembering every inch of him from countless earlier embraces. I tilt my head up without waiting for his hand to guide me and our lips touch oh-so-softly. God, that feeling... the blessed love behind his kisses... it's indescribable.He wraps his free arm around my waist, letting it sit for a second in the small of my back- which seems like it was built for his hand to go.  
  
I let him lead the kiss, just wanting to remember every detail, just in case... It didn't take long for Angel to deepen the kiss, let the passion behind it show- the true passion with love. Yet I don't let his love blind me to the other emotions Angel's placing in this kiss,because something's wrong.  
  
I hold back tears as I feel the sorrow- thick and dark, seeping into all the wonderfulness and changing it. Pain that would be identical to mine if it wasn't for the guilt I feel coming from him... Angel's pain is in our kiss. Why is he in so much pain? What has happened to him? What happened to my Angel?   
  
But there is no way he's going to break this kiss, this kiss that is so wonderful but desperately sorrowful that my knees are weak with a mixture of love and pain for my mate. So I continue to let him lead the embrace and continue, being selfish about how much I truly love kissing him.  
  
A kiss from Angel can't ever be compared to anyone else's, their truly of a higher class. Only he can make something as innocent as a chaste kiss, something we had many of, seem as enchanting as any sexual act... that kinda ruined us before.  
  
His hand then continues to slowly run up the contours of my back, leading a sensual trail to my sides as it feels like he too is trying to remember ever detail and see how much has changed since last time. It's both reassuring and disappointing that I don't have to look for physical changes... I know there's not a blemish on his skin that wasn't there five years ago. But I don't want to think about that at the moment; actually, I'm having trouble just forming thoughts let alone thinking about depressing things.  
  
As he nips at my lower lip, I can't help but run my fingers through the dark hair at the nape of his neck, loving the texture of the short silky strands as his tongue enters my mouth and... you don't need all the details.  
  
When we broke the kiss minutes later, I opened my eyes to see that he too had closed his for the kiss and was just opening them. We were still embraced, and without a word Angel just hugged me to his cold frame as hard as possible...and wept, again.  
  
All I could do was hold him tightly and cry with him, knowing that both of us were going through to much to handle without each other. It should seem odd that our lives carry these ironic patterns... but it doesn't. What ever he's dealing with, I'll help him... just like I know he has already sworn to himself that he'll help me no matter what. He's always my guardian angel, he has been for almost seven years now... and it's time to return the favor.  
  
I pull back in his grip, something I could only do because of my slayer strength. Now it's my turn to cup his wet cheek as stare deeply into his water brown orbs with concern.   
  
I wait patiently for an answer, letting him gather himself up.   
  
He know's what I'm asking him, because for some odd reason, all it takes is for me to say his name or him to say mine and a text book of paragraphs can be covered in two softly spoken syllables.  
  
Suddenly realizing that he's just broken down in front of me again, my love lets out a hushed pathetic chuckle towards himself as he releases one on his arms from around me and wipes his face, something I had already been doing with the pad of my thumb. With an ironic smile, Angel removes my hand from his face with a kiss.  
You've come to me for help, and I end up crying in your arms. There's irony for you.  
  
I can't help but smile a small smile at him before innocently taking him by the hand and sit both of us down on the foot of his bed. Once again I can feel the hum of our connection in my fingertips as his cool hand rest in my hot one, so I purposely wrap my arm around his and re-lace out fingers together between our bodies. I know that at one point our physical connection was one of the strong points of our relationship, and if there hadn't been so much going on in our lives these days that we would actually be sitting in opposite ends of the room.   
  
It's a silver lining to distress- the physical contact... a silver lining that I always miss when there's not an emergency, the times when we have to be separated by miles and live in actual different cities.   
  
Are you gonna actually tell me what's wrong, or just crack jokes all night?   
  
I ask as lightly as possible, unable to get rid of the concern that lurks in the question. He flashes another small smile... those smiles are coming out in bucket fulls these days... its an unsettling comfort. But then he returns to his intense gaze as I know he's studying me to distract himself from answer the question... but I'll wait.  
  
I've just been thinking about things a lot lately. He sighs.   
  
Uh-oh, this is starting to remind me of a certain conversation from a few years back that took place in a certain sewer before a certain right of passage in my life, I'm not sure if I want him to continue anymore.  
  
It's hard, everything is so...hard. He focuses on our hands between us, squeezing my hand lovingly. For a while now, Buffy, I've been trying to find out how I fit into everything... What I need to do and who I need to help... the little pieces of kindness I'm supposed to do... But every once in a while, too many hard parts come in. Do you understand?  
  
He looks up from our hands with a hopeful plead in his eyes, hoping that he isn't the only one that ever feels this way. But I understand all too well, I've been there too many times. I just nod slightly as I rest my head on his shoulder, letting him know that it isn't that odd to feel so.  
  
I kept thinking that after what happened to you, His voice is soft and delicate, picking his words carefully. That if someone as strong as you could get knocked down, that I was correct when I figured out that it's the small things, small parts of life that matter... but there was one thing that I was wrong about. He sighs again. When you came back, all I wanted to do was be with you, not waste a minute that I could be around you... but I knew that I couldn't. But as soon as I saw you, I remembered how much I missed you, how much I needed you... how much you loved me.  
  
I try to disagree, already having a feeling about where he's going- but he continues on.  
  
I shouldn't had, I feel like I betrayed you to think so... like everything I've done since I left you was betrayal.  
  
I think the wrong one of us is saying this. I grimly muse.  
  
I did some really stupid things last year, Buffy.  
  
So did I! If I was having this conversation with anyone else, I'm positive that wouldn't had been said. But it's the truth.  
  
But the stupidest thing I did was make it so that Cordy, Wesley, and Gunn couldn't trust me. Okay, that caught me off-guard. So I tried so hard to please them as regain their trust... I lost myself. And then Willow came... and I disappeared. Angel paused for a moment, to kiss me on the temple before continuing. But as soon as I saw you again, I realized what happened. From his head resting on mine, I feel Angel smile sweetly at the memory before frowning. But just from the change in my attitude after you came back and the way I did things, it wasn't hard for my family to figure out that it was YOU who completed me. Not them.  
  
Oh, boy... gotta love those twists.  
  
  
TBC...


	5. Lost, So Lost

Chapter Five: Lost, So Lost  
  
Author: The illusive Ellie Lildat **lildat08@excite.com**  
  
Disclaimer: Who would WANT to own them? Apparently the characters are still owned by Joss Whedon, but in my mind, he's being held captive by the evil Marti and David just so they can ruin his wonderful creation. Yet let's remember that Marti and David are under the control of bezoars, since they are responsible for and .  
  
Summery: I love you, you know. I know. Everybody thinks I'm pretty and loves me. - Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman Playground skit.  
  
Author's Note: It's been a LONG time,hasn't it? This is a short part, but I kinda like it...well at least more than some of the other parts. Is anybody even reading this? If you are, I respect you for your loyalty to my pathetic attempt at writing. I'm currently working on two other BtVS/Ats B/A epics and four original novels, plus I'm still in school!!! Stupid needed degree. At this point I am so depressed and beyond denial towards the shows that my fics have taken on lives of there own. But this one has baffled me endlessly. It's pretty sad when I like my own way of handling Buffy's lack of emotion 300% better than Marti's.   
  
AN2: To all BtVS fans, I know it's hard and seemingly pointless, but please keep watching the show. We need to speak out and let our opinions be known, but getting both shows canceled won't result in anything good. We need Joss to come back and take over the reigns on the show while there's still a show for him to take the reigns of.  
  
Dedication: To Steven DeKnight. THANK YOU for the B/A moment in All the Way, you're a supreme being.  
  
  
  
**Chapter Five: Lost, So Lost**  
  
  
Did he just say that? Did the love of my life just say that I complete him? That this world that he's created for himself doesn't do anything for him compared to me? I wonder if he's hit his head lately.  
  
Angel, you don't mean that.   
  
He's become such a great person since he left me, caring about so many others, and actually letting someone besides me get to know him... I know he doesn't mean it. He may have made a few mistakes, but he's not a bad person.  
  
Lifting my head I look Angel straight in the eye, cupping his face in my tiny hand so he knows that I do love him, but don't want him to say that. Why is he denying everything great about his life in L.A.? Does he think I need him to feel more regret about leaving me?... Well that would be kinda nice, if it were true- but it's not.  
  
But he just looks at me through watery eyes, melting me into goo again with that struck puppy look.   
  
I do. He insist gruffly, standing suddenly, breaking the contact between our skin. I watch Angel begin to pace, the tensing of his muscles from my disbelief in him.  
  
Buffy, when your around... thinks make sense, even when they're confusing. Without you, my job goes from helping the hopeless and making the world safer to taking care of the trouble that I'm causing. I've brought more evil to this town than removed. All for the trust of the people that, at times I'm not sure if they are more than just co-workers. I-  
  
Care about people. Love people. I tell him, but he just halts his pacing for a moment and shakes his head.  
  
It's not the same. There's this line of duty that just disappears from my mind when it comes to choosing between one of them dying or killing an enemy. I even went so far as to free a man that had been burning in a jail in another dimension just to save Cordelia. Because of wanting to prove my loyalty to her, I made it so other people got hurt- badly...What's wrong with me?  
  
He's so lost, reminding me of the times that I've had to chose between love and duty... choosing duty until it led me into another early grave. I'm still in that boat with him. Do we chose to save the people close to us, even if it means more people we don't know get hurt? But it's strange to see Angel, the person that always seemed so wise and gave the perfect advise... he's so lost.  
  
Patting the spot next to me, I signal for Angel to sit back down next to me as I turn to face him completely. I haven't got a clue on what I'm doing, but there has to be something for us to do. Something that will... make us found.  
  
I take his large hand into mine, bringing it to my lips to place a sweet kiss to his palm as a soother.   
  
There's nothing wrong with you. I tell him, receiving a doubtful glance. So you're a bit stressed, I'll admit, but I know you Angel... you'll find your way soon.  
  
I tell him, smiling sweetly before placing a feather light, lingering kiss to his mouth. All these stolen kisses are seeming less and less dangerous, neither of us are worried about what might happen... there are too many problems for something to happen. Desperate sex isn't a part of the Buffy and Angel story, it wouldn't be even if sex wasn't an issue.  
  
What about you? He whispers, while we haven't even pulled away from each in the kiss. I'm not the only one lost, here.  
  
I open eyes that I wasn't even aware were closed, immediately staring into his soft chestnut ones...eye that say that I might had been off on saying that desperate sex wasn't part of our story. But I don't pull away, I can't pull away. I sigh instead, a sigh of dreams and regret all in one.  
  
If only I could stay with you, I tell him, not quite a whisper, but softly spoke anyways. I would never be lost, as long as I was lost with you.   
  
And that's when the tears overflow my eyes without warning, and Angel takes me into his arms to let me cry on his shoulder and chest. Because I can't stay with him, and I'll have to leave so soon... go back to a place where I live in a lie just as Angel does here, a place where smiles are always the shields of sobs.   
  
TBC...


End file.
